I caved. Gutted.

So, after a few days of 'normal' feeding, I thought I was on top of it.

But today he started with some long feeds. At 4pm he started feeding and didn't finish til half ten. By which point I was in pain, exhausted, upset, and feeling like the most useless milk producer ever. I know the last one is illogical, but it's how I felt.

Dh had been at work all day, from v early cos obviously he needed to be first in queue to collect iPhone preorder. I've been at home with 2 kids all day, juggling bored 4yo and starving unfillable newborn.

Anyway, dh went out with a friend after dinner, so I was alone and STILL feeding. Come half 9 I was in tears. Baby frantically feeding. Me not knowing what to do for the best. I threw some things around the kitchen as I cleared up the kitchen with one hand while feeding - was a distraction from the monotony by this point.

And found myself in the cupboard opening a carton of formula. Poor baby screaming like a starved wee banshee by now, I was crying, and just needed to stop him crying.

I was in floods of tears giving it. I didn't want his wee body to have anything in it that wasn't from me, and I failed

I'm so completely gutted by this, I can't tell you. Eventually my dh got home and is now not talking to me cos I was cross at him vanishing for 2 hours when he was supposed to be running 1 mile with a friend recovering from heart attack. You could do ten miles in 2 hours!

I really needed prectical or emotional support and he wasn't here, and I'm feeling so awful about feeding my baby formula. I know formula is hardly toxic waste, but it's not what I want in his body.

Finally the unfillable baby is asleep and I should be too, but all I can do is cry.

ETA: he only took about an ounce of formula in the end. The pathetic wee face looking upat me as if to say 'but mummy, this isn't the right stuff' killed me and I ended up going back to the boob.

Oh hun, massive . You certainly have mot failed! It may be that he was cluster feeding then, lots of babies do sround that time. Are you eating properly? I find that time before Dinner really hard as you are often running on empty and not properly hydrated.
Tell dh he needs to be about at that time so you have the help. Its just for a short time while bubs gets through the growth spurt.
Don't feel guilty sweetie just ask for help. Is there anyone that lives near who can help you with things like getting tea ready, making you a slice of toast or something? I lived off toast for the first 3 months and it really helped with the hole left by the cluster feeding.
Again, you are doing a great job. Sending more

Probably not eating properly, but I never find time really. I can't even find time to pee or have a shower, so food is an afterthought through the day. I make dinner for everyone though, so do eat that (cold and/or one handed!)

Dh has been about lots, it's just tonight was bad timing. But even though he could see I was struggling before he went, he still went!

It's just so infuriating - after you have a baby you get midwives and doctors and health visitors telling you to rest, to sleep, and in case of a section, not to overdo things. But does anybody say this in front of the bloke? Hell no! In his head he's been at work all week, why is it unreasonable to go for a run abd leave everything to me?

In MY head, I've been operating at 110 % since 7am, doing washing, cooking, cleaning, feeding, childcare etc. No time to pee, eat, wash. But I get to keep going til 11pm in order to support him going out. Yet if I mention it, I'm being unreasonable cos it was only a quick run! And after my 16 hour day with no breaks, I have a disturbed night of feeding to look forward to.

He's probably happy about any use of formula as he reckons its a great thing to make a baby sleep longer.

My mum lives near and is really helpful with dd, so I can't ask her to do more really. A friend came round today and helped me do a much needed grocery shop and some other stuff which was a great help.

Usually I'm not so useless . It's just the cluster feeding is so hard.

I wish I was nearer and could help you. DD cluster fed for weeks in the evening and it nearly killed me, I ended up combine feeding from 4 months as I was struggling, which meant I kept feeding until 13 months. I would have stopped long before otherwise so it was a 'necessary evil' in my mind. I cried the first time she had a bottle though

You do need to eat/drink plenty in those early weeks, just grab cereal bars, fruit and cheese when you have chance, or a bowl of cereal etc, little and often works well when you don't have much time.

Once your eldest is in bed I would be inclined to go to bed with your baby, and just cuddle up and feed. Read a book, watch a film, doze, but try and see it as a positive excuse to sit down for a bit if you can, the more relaxed you are the better your milk will flow.

With DH, I have to spell out exactly what I need from him, so maybe give yours direct instructions eg. Go and buy me some nice snacks, take baby for a walk while I rest, etc.

And you are not useless, and haven't failed, you have done what a good mother does, and tried everything to make your child happy and content, despite how it made you feel xxx

What @miss_purple said. Exactly! Hugs to you honey xxx

I agrre with the good advice already given

you've not failed hun i hope to day is a better day

You've not failed you have had some great advice already and remember today is a new day