How will I ever stop breastfeeding my toddler?

My son is 2y4m and still breastfeeding. I started "don't offer don't refuse" about 9 months ago and he stopped asking for it during waking hours ages ago, but still wants it in order to go to sleep - so naptime, bedtime and every time he wakes during the night, which is a lot. I have been through wobbles about it before and every time decided I will keep going as long as he wants to but he really is showing no signs whatsoever of dropping his night nursing sessions, and every time I suggest we think about stopping he becomes very upset. He tells me he loves it and I feel mean even considering taking it away from him.

But I am *exhausted* and I am such an AWFUL person when I am tired. I have just been screeching at the kids all morning today and I couldn't wait to get him down for his nap so I only have one child to contend with. DH is away all weekend and then its half term next week so I have two kids to myself for 9 days and I'm dreading it. I know I'd be in a better place to manage if I was just getting some sleep.

when he nurses at night he wriggles about, kicks me, pulls on my hair constantly and it is impossible for me to go back to sleep until he has. He will not sleep in our bed, insists on me sleeping in his, which is a single so very uncomfortable, so I try not to spend the whole night there. So each time he wakes I am up out of my bed for at least half an hour, often longer. My only means of coping is to go to bed at, like, 8pm, but I hate doing that as I get so little me-time as it is, I just want a couple of hours in the evening to do my own thing.

I'm sorry, I am ranting. I really want to stop nursing but I don't knopw how to go about it without upsetting him and feeling selfish! I know it is a short time in the scheme of things, but I also can't help thinking that left to his own devices he would continue for at least another year and I don't know if I can do it. Is there a gentle way to do this? He is extremely head-strong and a big screamer, and he will scream for hours if I don't nurse him to sleep (we have tried this, though not recently). DH will help to a point but gets very angry when what he tries doesn't work, so I always end up giving in as I can't handle having my husbands strops to deal with on top of my son's!

[clothmama]

I really really feel for you. I was still feeding Louis at that stage too, we had just moved back to Australia and were trying to work out a lot of things and it was a very stressful time. The feeding was exhausting me even more and I just cracked it one night at his bedtime and ended up in tears saying 'I can't do it any more'. J just went in and told Louis that mummy wasn't feeling well and couldn't come and give him a feed, there were some tears but I don't remember it being a big drama. I may have then told him there was no milk left or something, I can't remember!

It is hard when they love it but honestly if it is making you unhappy then you don’t want to start resenting it / him. Louis still to this day remains the most cuddly, affectionate kid and I think if I hadn’t said 'stop' we'd have been feeding until he started school! We replaced the BF (like you it was before sleeps) with a cuddle, warm milk in a sucky cup and a story.

So each time he wakes I am up out of my bed for at least half an hour, often longer.

I wonder if working on the night wakings could help the situation initially, have you tried offering him just water when he wakes? I did that with mine and it worked really well, they had a leak proof sucky cup in their rooms so if they woke in the night that is what they had. Sorry if you have tried all those sort of things but I'm thinking it sounds like it isn't just the BF itself that is making it hard and tiring!

No, you are right, it isn't just the BF. TBH a lot of the reason I haven't tried to stop is that I am worried that we'll go through a trauma getting him to stop and then he will continue to wake and it will be even harder to get him back to sleep when he does. That and I have no idea how I'd ever get him to take naps if I didn't nurse him to sleep! The hair-pulling thing is a big deal for him too, he has done it since he was tiny and it is obviously an alternative to cuddling a teddy or blankie or something, so I do have concerns he'd still want me to lie with him each time he wakes and that I have a far bigger task on my hands than just stopping nursing!

I think I will have to do as you suggest and just pick a night to stop doing any kind of night nursing and offer water instead. I don't know if I will have to stop nursing completely though to avoid confusion, including at nap times. I did stop night nursing when he was 12 months and it went OK for a few days but I found he started waking earlier and earlier in the mornings, wanting his first nursing of the day, and I realised either I'd have to stop completely or not stop at all as doing it half-way was just confusing him.

I know it's slightly different but at roughly that age we got rid of the bottle night feeds by saying the bottle fairy was coming to take the bottles and she left Chloe a special toy. There was no drama and the next day when she asked for bottle we said sorry there aren't any the bottle fairy took them to the new babies. Maybe the milk fairy could come for a visit???

I swear the anticipation of what could happen was worse than what did happen. X

I think stopping Will always come with a sense of sadness and guilt but if you want to stop, but continue anyway it may start to lead to a bit of a disfuctional element to your relationship. Yes he loves it and it will be painful to give up but it's important for him to be able to know that he can be close and cuddly with you in other ways. I'd perhaps start by cutting the day time feeds. I think if you can recognise the pain and sadness but be confident in your decision, and totally reassuring that you will both get through it he will sense your confidence and it will carry him.

It's incredibly tough to stop but to be a positive experience, bfing has got to be right for both of you

I read somewhere about offering extra non bf'ing hugs whilst trying to wean x

I think if you wanna stop you could just decide and say enough is enough and stick to it. Mean I know but it's over quickly then. When izzy was age 2 I said to her no more, she hated me for 2 days, cried a lot but then that was that, she knew exactly where she stood.

There are much more gentle ways but it's a longer process.i don't think there us any way of them not being upset at all unless they self wean but it's ok to be selfish! You have to do what you want hun xxx

Thanks everyone! well, I decided to bite the bullet last night, taking strength from your replies, and told him we are going (for now anyway) to only nurse at naptime and bedtime but no other time. He said OK and chose a toy he would cuddle instead. He woke at 12:30 wanting milk and I stuck to my guns and also refused to get into bed with him as I don't want to replace BF with co-sleeping. He was really upset, on and off, and got really angry with me, he tried to get up, refused to lie down, thrashed about etc. I did feel bad but I kept remembering what a horrible person I was yesterday due to the tiredness. He finally gave in after an hour, and then slept through til 6am (which of course with the clocks having gone back was actually 7am in his mind). He cried again when I said he couldn't have milk on waking, but he was fairly easily distracted with a story and then breakfast. So it wasn't too dreadful! I just hope it goes as well tonight. I don't want to completely stop BF all in one go, unless it does prove too confusing for him, as I really worry that I'll not be able to get him to nap without it, and I'm so not ready for him to go without a nap yet, especially on days when he wakes really early!

[clothmama]

That sounds like a fantastic result! I think at that age where they can have some basic understanding of what you are saying it can go quite well. Sounds like a lot of the waking was for a BF not because of waking iykwim so you may well end up with better nights

Keep us updated!