To become a doula, one of the steps is to share your own birth experiences with your trainer and the others training with you.
I was asked share my experiences, positive and negative thoughts and how I feel about them now. Having never even written Jake's birth down (nor Erin's in so much detail) it made me realise how much my births have influenced my decision in becoming a doula.
I want to help other mums-to-be to achieve the best birth for them (this may vary greatly in expectations from woman to woman) I want to support them and empower them to feel confident in themselves and their own decisions.
Even if a woman has not had the birth she wanted or expected for their first born, it does not mean that her second will be the same. Looking back at my births has taught me that...
Jacob’s Birth:
a) Jacob, my eldest was born on 16th July 1999. At the time I was a nervous but fairly confident 17 year old, single, mum-to-be.
My mum was to be my birth partner and I also wanted his dad present as although we weren’t together anymore I thought it important for their bonding. My pregnancy was an emotional roller coaster due to my circumstance of his father and I splitting up. I was young and more worried about being on my own then actual childbirth.
The night I went into labour both my parents were in Wales at my sister’s graduation! I wasn’t too upset as my other sisters (I have 3) were about and both very supportive. It was early hours when I first went to hospital, a little confused about contractions but definitely in labour (well I thought so) I was examined when I arrived and was 3cms at 3am. Because I didn’t dilate anymore by 9am they sent me home again. I went home and went to bed!! I then slept for hours and by about 3.30pm I decided I couldn’t sleep through the contractions anymore and was in quite a lot of pain. We went back off to hospital arriving around 4.30pm. They did comment how they were expecting me back at lunchtime and examined me right away. I was 9cms dilated. They broke my waters and told me an hours pushing and I’d meet my baby.
They gave me some Gas and Air and I remember feeling very floaty when I went to tell my sister and his dad how far laboured I was. The rest of the labour is quite hazey. I don’t think I let go of the G&A once and remember feeling very tired. My mum finally arrived and took over from my sister (they drove home as soon as they could from the graduation) I think I was pushing for about 2 hours and still no sign of baby. Oh I do remember them saying he was back to back and someone turning his head. I had my eyes shut through exhaustion at this point. Baby had started to get distressed and they put me on oxygen. Again it is very hazey, I was tired, my eyes were shut and this baby wasn’t coming!
Next thing I remember is someone mentioning cutting me and using forceps. I was too tired to protest and no-one even asked they just got on with it and I remember opening my eyes and seeing what felt like hundreds of doctors at the end of the bed… my legs, up and open in stirrups and lots of rushing about. I closed my eyes again and felt the most scared I had through my whole labour.
On opening my eyes again I asked my mum where Craig (the dad) was, it was apparently too much for him as they cut me, he fainted onto a chair! Moments later Jake was born. I really do have patchy memories of the first moments with Jacob, I can’t remember when I first held him, the next thing I remember is my mum bathing me and I couldn’t even sit up in a wheel chair through using every muscle in my body for 2.5 hours. I do remember coming back into the room all clean to Jake’s dad holding him in his arms with tears in his eyes. It was late now and everyone left and I was taken to the ward with my new baby, where I sat on my own feeling very lonely and wanting my mum more than ever.
When I finally got to go home, I really got time to bond with my baby. I would lay in my room (at my parents house) and just cuddle him whilst he slept. My family were really good and we agreed if my door was open they were welcome! I knew it would be too tmepting to keep comig for cuddles with a newborn in the house but I wanted time, time for me to get to know my baby properly. I did very well with breastfeeding to start with but only lasted a month. I was extremely self conscious and was made to feel awful and left mortified by some comments made by the father of my baby. Other than that I loved being a mum, I was so proud of my beautiful boy and proud of giving birth on just gas and air. I was very sore for a while but once that went I just got on with being a new mum and enjoyed every minute of it.
b) Negative feelings of the birth was feeling like I wasn’t there when it came to the staff. I felt very patronised for being young and no-one actually asked me what I wanted, how I was feeling and apart from actually giving birth it was as if I wasn’t there!
Positive feelings, I managed to give birth and without an epidural! I went in with an open mind to pain relief and was pleased to have done so well on gas and air.
c) How I view this birth now: Well writing that and recalling it in detail properly like I just have has just made me cry and feel very sad! Strange I know especially with how happy I am now with my family and my children but I just couldn’t help it. I remember the feeling of being on my own. This was something I wanted to change for my second birth 7 years later and everything I did I researched and read about so that I could experience a better and more personal birth.
Erin’s Birth
7 years on I am pregnant again, with the man I know I am spending the rest of my life with. I know he’ll be the model father as I have already seen him take Jake under his wing as his own. We planned the pregnancy and the entire thing is a whole new experience to me, an overwhelming experience of belonging and happiness.
My pregnancy did get tougher when I developed SPD and ended up hobbling around on crutches. Barely sleeping through pain but not doing it alone was an amazing feeling. Jacob was really involved all the way too. We made sure he felt included in everything. We found out the sex so that we could prepare him for the new arrival (didn’t want him thinking it was a boy as I had a “feeling†it was a girl) It was a girl! We told him what we wanted to call her and it was our family secret so although friends and family knew it was a girl, her name would be a surprise, except for the three of us. We even let him pick (out of our top 5) middle names, he was so chuffed!
I researched and read up as much as I could about pregnancy and birth. Someone mentioned homebirths to me and I just knew that’s what I wanted. An intimate birth with me and my man at home. He wasn’t too hot on the idea to start with but after talking it through with him he saw my reasons and went with it.
I had a false alarm on my due date, even called the mw out at 3am!! As soon as she arrived all “contractions†stopped. A couple of days later my mw looked at me with a look that gave me that sinking feeling. She said I’d got quite a lot bigger and thought it best I got checked out at the hospital, scanned and hopefully guess how big the baby would be. She even muttered the word induction! Well I blubbed as soon as she left! I really wanted a homebirth and this was shattering my plans. She tried to say not to worry but all I did was worry. James managed to calm me down and we tried to think positively.
That night James got up to open the bedroom window around 3/4am and I thought, ooh my tummy feels tense, then went back off to sleep. At about 5.45am I woke up to what felt like contractions. After my false alarm I thought I’d lay there for a bit and time them before even waking James. I had 3 contractions in 15 minutes so poked James in the arm and said “I think I’m in labour†He stirred a little and suggested I had a bath (he was clearly thinking of my false labour too!) I lay in the bath for a further 40 minutes.
As I got out, I felt surprisingly happy and well, but each contraction was starting to stop me in my tracks. I rang for the midwifes and after some confusion and my tens machine NOT working I just gave up and closed my eyes with each contraction, waiting eagerly for the midwife. I felt incredibley in tune with my own body I was happy pacing and chatting between cons and when I had a contraction I found myself half bent over, whilst stood beside the bed and my arms stretched out supporting myself on the bed, rocking and breathing very heavily through each one.
James did leave me at one point to drop Jacob at his brother’s house so he could take him to school. I was a bit worried to start with but then thought she wasn’t coming just yet and he had plenty of time.
I felt extremely relaxed and comfortable in my own home. I was downstairs by the time James was back and once the mw’s arrived. She examined me and I was 6cms. I was so pleased as I thought this was “it†and this just comfirmed it for me. Not only that I was much further than I expected to be, which empowered me with more confidence, so far I had managed to get to this point through listening to my own body and going with the flow and with no pain relief at all.
I was up and down quite a lot. It was very liberating being able to move around freely and as I pleased. I was encouraged to go to the toilet for a wee a couple of times but I’d get to the bottom of the stairs and have a contraction! I managed to get up them with a contraction stop half way! I was on the gas and air by this point but remembering the hazeyness of my birth with my son I was only using it for the height of each one. The student midwife was following me up the stairs with the cannister and I also insisted James did too. I didn’t want him to leave me at all!
As it appeared I was approaching the second stage of labour the midwife examined me again and I was 9cms. I instinctively positioned myself on my knees bent over James’s knees as he sat on the sofa, holding onto both his arms (very tightly!) I’ll never forget the intimacy of us telling each other how much we loved each other and him stroking my hair from my face. Not long after, I felt like I wanted to push…. I got to the point, you know the one where you think you can’t do it anymore and knew this was it. The 2nd midwife knelt down as I rocked back and fourth through another contraction she whispered into my ear. She gave me a little pep talk, explaining how I can do it, it was soon going to feel like it was burning like hell, while the head crowned but it’s ok I can do it etc. That made me realise, this REALLY is it, I’m finally going to meet my little girl. One of them told me her head kept appearing then going when I stopped. I actually wrote in my birth plan that I didn’t want a mirror (after being mortified when I was offered one at Jacob’s birth!) and I was now thinking…. I want to see!
I gripped onto James with every bit of strength I had and pushed. I felt the burn and pushed again. I could feel her coming but started to feel tired when all of a sudden my body just carried on pushing! I remember hearing the midwife saying to me to rest through the next contraction but I wasn’t I just kept going until her head was born.
The midwife did do a small manouver to help the shoulders out but then that was it, here she was, my little girl. She tried to pass her through my legs but they were a bit wobbley so I turned round and rested onto James’s legs while she handed me my baby. I just couldn’t believe it. Here she was, I did it, I had my baby at home!! James and I kissed each other and then stared at her while I delivered the placenta.
Once that was done they weighed her and dress her and I sat up on the sofa and put Erin to my breast for the first time. It was a 5 hour labour and an experience I will cherish as a very proud and happy memory.
After the midwives left and the gp had been to check Erin over, I bathed and settled into my own bed with James and our new baby. I just kept looking at her in disbelief. We had the curtains drawn as it was very sunny! In fact we all said she brought the sunshine with her as it had been raining for days before. She lay on my bed and in our arms and as we both gazed at her she just gazed right back at us. I couldn’t believe how wide eyed she was!
My sister picked my son up from school so we had enough time to settle and relax as Erin was born at 11.15am. When he came home to meet his new baby sister the elated look spread across his face was such a heartwarming moment. I have a picture and I don’t think I’ve ever seen his smile so big and eyes so intense!
James had 2 weeks off work and Jake was on half term the following day so we spent the whole time as a proper little family.
b) the only negative I have is to do with postnatal. I gave up bf very early this time round. I already felt very conscious of it after bad experience with my first and when I thought Erin was starving I gave in and gave her formula. I wasn’t even asked by my midwife why I’d given up or whether she could help. I feel a bit disappointed as I feel with more support I would have done so much better. I don’t regret it as I don’t believe in regrets but I am hoping to learn more through this course to enable me a better bf experience for baby number 3!!
Positive feelings… well I just want to tell everyone to have a homebirth! I couldn’t have wished for a better birth. I think next time I would want Jake at home but in another room so he could meet the baby sooner. Other than that it was a truly amazing experience. Listening to my body and doing what I felt was right and instinctively enabled me to birth the most natural and relaxing way possible. Loved it! People think I’m mad when I tell them that!
C) How I view it now: well the same as I did then, an incredible experience, that I am looking forward to doing again!
I love reading about birth stories and Erins sounded just lovely. I would love to have a home birth but dont feel confident enough and I think the idea freaks bren out abit.
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