One birthday party in four 4 years (nearly)

I can't help but wonder if I'm doing something a bit wrong, or failing to do something I should be doing, since despite doing baby café when Junior was small and latterly adopting a fairly regular round of groups at local Children's Centres and playgroups he has so far been invited to one birthday party ever. I'm not terribly stressed for my own sake but wonder if the situation needs work for Junior's sake

Bit of background: I moved to where we live a couple of months before Junior was born, so was mostly starting from scratch socially, I was also one of those bookish, bullied loner kids at school so maybe got a slow start in the soft, social skills stakes... I also really miss having access to an academic community, having spent 5/6 years as a graduate student - I am actually really, really bored sometimes by the lack of adult company in my life. Obviously once I can get back to work again (less straightforward than it might be, but should be possible soon) things should get a bit better, but in the meantime, Junior, who is due to start school next Sept has not been behaving well at nursery or playgroups, at worst doing things like hitting other kids with furniture and I do wonder if the sort of socialising he's not getting (ie mixing with one or two contemporaries informally) has contributed or is contributing to the problem? Or maybe not, since before his sister was born 18 months ago he was no trouble to anyone.

Thoughts? Suggestions?

Sounds like you have a whole mix of stuff going on, so you might have to keep talking but 1st things 1st, the birthday party thing.

When izzy was little we went everywhere all the time, I made loads of online friends and developed a really close group. Social butterflies we were, parties everywhere!

With leon I isolated myself because he hated everything ha ha, the car, the pram, new people, places, the park, noise, crowds. Parties were a no go and although we didn't get invited to any certain people insisted on them for his birthdays, which he hated.

Leon has struggled with his emotions and behaviour so I avoided playgroups but he is an angel at school. I thought he would be always getting in trouble and not make friends but he is part of this little trio now

Don't worry bout party thing, it will happen at school

I hear you about adult company, just applied forfir part time job just for that reason

What other things are worrying you ?

I was also a loner kid at school and have found the world of Mummy friends difficult, being a childminder though it's been my only interaction for the last 11yrs so I've had to go with it. It's probably the reason why I work with children and not adults!

My children only really got invited to preschool parties of children of my very close friends, and very few of them. I think for preschool children people tend to just have family and close knit friends, most preschool children don't have a large enough friends base for large parties, they flit from one friend to another and are only just starting to form close friendships. They soon get invited to loads once they start school and you'll sometimes be annoyed they take up your precious weekends!

His behaviour sounds more like an attention thing as you mention when it started. The fact that you recognise the behaviour is positive, I see plenty of parents who either ignore that their child is terrorising another or don't see it as unacceptable. You just need to be consistent in how you deal with it and it will eventually pass. I can assure you every parent has had to deal with unwanted behaviour, children generally learn by testing boundaries. It's quite normal

Bother, just lost reply I was typing...

Ok, can't ignore behaviour when I have an incident form to sign every other time I pick him up from nursery, and the leader of a group at the Children's Centre had to speak to me because other children had stopped coming, and been hurt etc. Attention is probably part of it, but he was also two plus 4 months when the baby was born, which can be a tricky age.

Normally, as I say, I don't think about it very much, but a couple of things lately have given me pause and made me wonder if I'm giving off a vibe, for want of a better term.

I've been thinking about this some more - I think with my fingertips sometimes...

I suspect the basic problem is I've never cracked the code of forming ordinary female friendships. I've no problem interacting with people in many contexts; I temped in London at various times, often as a receptionist to start with and enjoyed being in a different environment with different people every week or two, and meeting people coming in the door, or talking to them on the phone etc (often went back to the same places too, so obviously not doing a terrible job), and the job I'm planning to go back to involves meeting people too. It's sort of sales-related (social research interviewing for anyone interested), which you can't do with any success without some clue about social skills.

BUT I was never very good at moving beyond acquaintance level at school / University etc. Knew lots and lots of people, generally on good terms, but very few developed into actual friendships.

And putting birthdays aside, we've never been invited (or invited anyone ourselves) to lunch or tea. The only person whose house I've visited was when I happened to know she was moving to a few streets away and we dropped round with a card, and then a little while later I went to visit with the little one to collect some outgrown girls' clothes she'd kindly offered. And I suspect that it's that sort of situation that might help Junior develop his ability to play with others a bit.

I suppose if my first goal is to socialise Junior there are a couple of other avenues we might explore - we have a couple of friends met via the running club (pre babies) and Mr Snow's work (two of his colleagues are a couple and live close by). And meantime try to make more of an effort at playgroups. We recently started going to a new one, or new to us anyway.

What about a nursery ? You could have a break then x

He's been going to nursery since he was 2. He currently goes Mon and Fri 11-5 in term time, and something similar in the holidays, depending on what else is going on. It's very nice to have a break(!) But some of his worst behaviour is at nursery, although not every time and it's generally only very shorts bursts... But hitting someone else's head with a chair is not good

They've got a plan for dealing with his behaviour there (nothing complicated or radical). I just really hope we can work something out before he starts school.