I had forgotten I had this little corner, I'm glad I found it though as today I just need a bit of space to let off steam.
Today I'm tired; physically and mentally and emotionally. It's days like this that I question my own sanity at adding to our family, whether we are doing the right thing, for everyone. How will the older 2 cope? Will I cope? Will J? Or have I just lost the plot and this is going to be a really stupid thing to do?
I don't regret this baby, he is not now and will never be a mistake but I do wonder if I can be a good parent when I'm this tired already. Austin is at an awkward stage, he's grumpy and downright unpleasant sometimes and J and I don't seem to have a balanced way to deal with it. He just let's him get away with it while I lose my temper and send him away and I don't want to. I want to know why he needs to be that way and I want him not to be, I want him to go back to being my pleasant little boy who needs a cuddle and then everything will be ok, but while he's being the way he has been the last few days I don't want him near me because I know it'll make me snap and I don't want to say something that I don't need to say.
Today has not helped, he was grump before we left the house asking why we had to go out ("to spend time as a family") he was bored as soon as we arrived ("we haven't even looked at anything yet"), he wanted something on almost every stall ("when you behave we will see"). Add to that mum was being equally difficult, refusing to put her coat on, sulking about food, refusing to speak to me, not getting in her wheelchair, not getting out of her wheelchair, won't take her coat off
So today I just could do with a rest, from everyone really. I know there won't be one but what I could really do with is just some peace and quiet and alone time for my brain to shut off and recharge but that won't be possible until Wednesday, so I'll count down till Wednesday and just do nothing then. Who knows, maybe tomorrow will be brighter anyway and all I need is a good night's sleep.