)
January 2019
November 2018
My head is spinning, I don't know where to unload all the sh** that is going through my brain, partly because the only person I want to share with has enough on his plate at the minute and partly because I'm worried the way I feel and the things that pass through my mind with horrid picture detail and stalk my nightmares will cause anyone I share them with to step away and get me locked up. I worry about what happens if OH doesn't make it but no-one will discuss it with me because we have to look at the positives but that's all well and good but WHAT IF HE DOESN'T MAKE IT!? I'll be alone and I don't want to be, I'll miss him and I don't want, I want him to be with me and give me a big hug and this nightmare to end and we're only a week in!? What happens at the end, has some mean god out there decided this is already written, have they decided to take him away from me and the moments I should be treasuring are marred by tubes and illnesses and everyday life that no matter how much I want it to just won't given me a break!?
There just isn't anything to look forward to at the minute, no little respite, no breaks no chance of a peaceful lie down. I've been taking an "if I don't laugh I'll cry" attitude but I the stand up has ended and there's only so long you can laugh at the memory of the show. I'm trying to prepare for what might happen next week and no-one wants to look even that far ahead, they keep telling me to focus on today but today f***ing SUCKS!!! I need a break but I don't want to take one, I have to stay strong for OH and Austin but the tiny little platform I'm stood on trying to hold them all together is an awfully lonely place if I'm quite honest, I would not wish this situation on my worst enemy and I just hope that this next 6 months aren't as long as they are currently threatening to be
