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Our life with acute myeloid leukemia

Just a diary I'm keeping after we found out on 9th June 2010 (our baby's first birthday) that my other half has been diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer and how we get by (hopefully I'll be better with this than I am with a diary :giggle: )

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0_Lisa_0
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I must be the worst person in the world

Permanent Linkby 0_Lisa_0 on Sat Oct 16, 2010 9:34 am

:x :cry: :| <---- these smilies currently adequately describe how I feel I am confused and sad and yet more confused. I'm not yet sure how this will end (or if this, indeed, is the end) but after several hours of phone conversation with my OH both last night and this morning I fear we may be done. Over the last few weeks I have watched the happy, easy going man I fell in love with disappear, only to be replaced with someone who is angry and no longer looking forward.
This is a long story so if you don't read it I won't blame you, it started out harmless enough, I am home alone and in need of something to occupy my time so I wanted another dog. This is not something we haven't spoken about, we always said we would get another and yesterday I spotted the perfect pet for us. So I phoned OH (I had thought to surprise him but then thought better of it), I decided I wouldn't push the matter but somehow or another it descended into chaos. We were on the phone until just about midnight all the while OH getting more and more wound up and me trying to calm him. By the end of it he had painted a picture of an awful person who steals from him and takes his money, all the while referring to me though honestly most of it was not as bad as he made out or things he had never mentioned to me he had a problem with, and completely off topic. The phone call ended with me quite upset and wondering where the hatred towards me had come from. I phoned him this morning to try and calm the situation and speak to him sensibly (I would like to point out through this whole thing I never once raised my voice or resorted to insults). It has not ended well. I told him if he really felt the way he had made apparent from our conversations perhaps he no longer wanted to be with me and he said I was probably right and hung up.
I don't know what to do. through out this whole thing I have tried so hard to cope and keep him talking to me (I did at one point get him to admit he was surprised at how well I had coped alone as he was expecting to come home and find the place a mess and there be no food in the cupboards. This was not said as a complement and I was :shock: and hurt by what he said). It makes me think that I am not a nice person and certainly not te sort of person that should be raising a child. I am sat in tears and Austin is just looking at me, he can't understand whats going on but perhaps in one way now is for the best because he's not used to daddy being home so it won't upset him for him not to come back but how do I pull myself together to get through today, never mind tomorrow. I'm used to being a lone parent but it wa supposed to be temporary! I'm not sure how to cope as a single parent!?
Sorry for the ramble and well don't if you read this. I don't expect sympathy or even replies. I just needed to let some of this out so I can try carry on with my day.

 

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Re: I must be the worst person in the world

Permanent Linkby clothmama on Sat Oct 16, 2010 12:05 pm

Oh Lisa sweetie :cnthug: I'm soooo sorry to hear this. Please don't think horrid things about yourself - you are an amazing mother and you have been such a rock for your OH. I'm sure that it is probably a combo of the drugs / stress etc that have set him off and while it is no excuse for him to speak to you badly it is perhaps slightly understandable. Please dont' think the worst just yet - I'll have everything crossed that you guys can work it out.

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Re: I must be the worst person in the world

Permanent Linkby Woozle35 on Sat Oct 16, 2010 12:31 pm

Lisa, I have to agree with Tory. You have both been through so much and the pressure for both of you must be unbearable. In these times people always hit out, and say the mosy horrible things to the people they love the most.
I am sure this is all this is.
I hope you manage to talk today. Big hugs to you and Austin, and you know where I am if you need to chat xxxx

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Re: I must be the worst person in the world

Permanent Linkby winniewheresmypooh on Sat Oct 16, 2010 2:08 pm

Tory has put this wonderfully. Many a hurtful thing can be said in anger and frustration.

I can't better what Tory has said so just sending huge hugs. Hang in there hun. x

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Re: I must be the worst person in the world

Permanent Linkby fivefourfour on Thu Oct 28, 2010 5:59 pm

Bigs hugs to you and Austin, Lisa.

I'm sure that given some time, and a chance to think things over, your OH will realise how unreasonably he has behaved. I'm sure it's nothing more than a reaction to the stress and medication, and that things will improve soon, hun. xxx

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