and I can't find my way out. I'm trying so hard not to break down in tears at every little thing at the minute. OH has hit a bad place emotionally and he won't admit it so he's taking a lot of it out on me but on Saturday I just couldn't take it anymore and walked out of the hospital and left him there, I also didn't go back yesterday, I thought if I gave him chance to think he might pull out of it. Unfortunately not, I phoned him earlier on and I got another tirade. I'm tired (one of the things I dared to tell him the other day to set him off
![Rolling Eyes :roll:](./../../images/smilies/icon_rolleyes.gif)
) and my mind is getting ever closer to a very dark place I really don't want it to go. What worries me is that, if I am perfectly honest I'm not sure I would be able to keep going if Austin weren't here.
I tried to speak to OH's mum the other day just to have a bit of a vent and I should have known it was a bad idea, after all she is his mum, but thought I'd have a go as I was just so overloaded. She didn't want to hear about how awful he is being to me, she just kept reminding me of how I have to be strong for him and Austin and how he has a lot on his mind (though try as I might I can't get him to open up to me
![Mad :x](./../../images/smilies/icon_mad.gif)
) but all I can think of is how it is wearing me down and at the end of the day after I have shouldered everyone else's problems there is no room left to deal with my own and who is there to help me!? I knwo how incredibly selfish that sounds at a time like this but I could just do with the help. The emotional turmoil I am in at the minute can't be good. I keep pushing it down and ignoring at but at some point I will run out of hiding places for all the sh%t that's in there. Every now and then I can feel it push to the surface and I will cry and be useless and I can't let that happen because I have to look after Austin but how can I deal with how I am feeling if I don't have the time to work out
what I am feeling. Honestly, I ignore the cancer part and for me to just make it through the day he just has to be in hospital, thats just how it is. My brain is such a mess I can't even work out all the emotion I should connect to such things. Sometimes I feel I can't be bothered to work it out and other times I start trying to figure it out and loose the will halfway through, its just too much.
I don't know how thins will all work out but I'm starting to think it won't end well.