Our life with acute myeloid leukemia

Just a diary I'm keeping after we found out on 9th June 2010 (our baby's first birthday) that my other half has been diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer and how we get by (hopefully I'll be better with this than I am with a diary :giggle: )

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So I haven't been in for a while

Permanent Linkby 0_Lisa_0 on Sun May 15, 2011 8:57 pm

but I'm having a bad day :(
I had a "scare" (more of my hoping that AF was late for a reason and getting my hopes up stupid stupid stupid!!!!) she seems to be here now.
Unfortunately now I am once again desperate for another baby and not just run of the mill "oh I think I fancy another baby" I mean I am really desperate for a baby. It's awful, every night I go to sleep and I dream I am pregnant :cry: I can feel it all and it's breaking my heart when I break up. OH doesn't do serious so I haven't broached the subject with him yet he'll tell me I'm hormonal and silly- not in a mean way, just the way my OH does when he doesn't want to have a conversation).
I spend all my time researching to find out what would happen if we just started trying now and I can come up with no reason not to. OH seems to think a) he is infertile anyway ( :cry: ) and b) there is an increased risk of down's syndrome but I can't see it anywhere and it's making me even more crazy! Everything I have seen seems to say the only problems are not being able to conceive (unless you have had radiotherapy of testicular cancers) but again I don't want to hassle OH. I know he wants another baby and that just makes it harder for me to keep it to myself but it's really starting to get me down.
I'm starting to think I am losing the plot! We were going to start TTC last christmas and now it's all getting too much. I can't wait. My brain won't let me! It screams at me every hour of every day about how much I want us to be pregnant again and it really is getting too much!
And now just to add insult to injury I finally find the info I have been looking for for an age. The NHS info about whether we could go for IUI (our best shot at pregnancy) and our area only give you assistance if you have no other children! WTF how is that fair!? I get they don't want people to take the P but how is it fair to go "here your 24 and 25 but your family is complete, sh***y circumstances or not" I just feel like they aren't giving individuals a chance! Surely most people want 2 children at least!? Surely we should be allowed that option!? OH didn't lose his fertility to drugs or anything else, he got ill and now we are punished for it!!!
I feel so desperate! I just want us to be able to start trying and have another baby! I don't think there are any words that can describe how desperate I am to be pregnant again. I know some people will just dismiss this but I have a permanent ache in my heart when I think that i it weren't for OH being ill I would be pregnant again now and it's killing me every time I see another BFP! Don't get me wrong I am happy for those mommas that get them but it just hurts so much right now!
Sorry to be such a misery I just daren't tell OH, I don't want him to think I am nuts :oops: :oops: :oops:


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Re: So I haven't been in for a while

Permanent Linkby MissFrodo on Sun May 15, 2011 9:01 pm

Ohh hun not sire what to say but want to hug and hope there will be another baby for you X!

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Re: So I haven't been in for a while

Permanent Linkby loumo on Tue May 31, 2011 2:15 pm

I've been THERE, and it is a really rubbish destination, even worse than`when you book a holiday then find the hotel is a billion miles from anything! Big hugs, that desperation for a baby is the worst feeling. Can you ask your gp for a referral to gynie and have a chat with them? They often make case-by-case decisions on what to offer...
It is so hard when every conversation breaks your heart a little more and strains your relationship that bit further...what are you doing at the moment, contraception-wise? Is there an easy way to just suggest you stop? Like 'honey, I'm out of my pill, I was thinking I'd just not renew it and see what happens' kinda thing, to float the idea? Then if he's really against it, he can say, and if not, you are at least taking a tiny step towards something happening, even if that something is the evidence you've been trying that will back your request fir iui?
I still ache when people, even people I know and love, get their bfp, and I've had kids since I was where you are, but that sting never fades, and every announcement takes me right back...
pm me if you ever want to vent...oh, and nice to meet you...should maybe have started with a 'hi' but your post just hit me...

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