OK so I'm not single but today is my first night actually alone in the house with Austin
This will be the first time for the next month or so that I will be alone to take care of Austin and the house all on my own and while I enjoy the moments of piece and quiet I get I am now dreading the time I will get alone with my thoughts. I'm managing to hold it all together when I can just think about what I need to get on with but when I think about what might happen in the next few months and years I well up and I don't know how I'm going to keep going.
We took OH back up to the hospital tonight and I just hated leaving him. To know that I won't get to sleep next to him for at least 30 days and that he might be too weak to give Austin a cuddle the next time we see him is just breaking my heart. I'm so happy we have decided to get married but what if he's too ill to enjoy it? He's confined to his room as he's neutropenic (sp?) so when we go to see him we have to wash hands put on rubber gloves and plastic aprons and it feels like I'm doing something dirty if I kiss him as I'm apparently now full of bugs that his body can't fight off.
I don't know, the whole thing just seems so unfair, he's 25 and has a one year old baby and it doesn't seem like this should be happening, it still feels like some kind of dream (or nightmare) and I just want to wake up now
