hf1

Our life with acute myeloid leukemia

Just a diary I'm keeping after we found out on 9th June 2010 (our baby's first birthday) that my other half has been diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer and how we get by (hopefully I'll be better with this than I am with a diary :giggle: )

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0_Lisa_0
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- January 2019
Pregnancy reflection
   Tue Jan 01, 2019 8:50 pm

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+ August 2011
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+ December 2010
+ November 2010
+ October 2010
+ September 2010
+ August 2010
+ July 2010
+ June 2010

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Not in a good place

Permanent Linkby 0_Lisa_0 on Mon Jun 28, 2010 11:38 am

and I can't find my way out. I'm trying so hard not to break down in tears at every little thing at the minute. OH has hit a bad place emotionally and he won't admit it so he's taking a lot of it out on me but on Saturday I just couldn't take it anymore and walked out of the hospital and left him there, I also didn't go back yesterday, I thought if I gave him chance to think he might pull out of it. Unfortunately not, I phoned him earlier on and I got another tirade. I'm tired (one of the things I dared to tell him the other day to set him off :roll: ) and my mind is getting ever closer to a very dark place I really don't want it to go. What worries me is that, if I am perfectly honest I'm not sure I would be able to keep going if Austin weren't here.
I tried to speak to OH's mum the other day just to have a bit of a vent and I should have known it was a bad idea, after all she is his mum, but thought I'd have a go as I was just so overloaded. She didn't want to hear about how awful he is being to me, she just kept reminding me of how I have to be strong for him and Austin and how he has a lot on his mind (though try as I might I can't get him to open up to me :x ) but all I can think of is how it is wearing me down and at the end of the day after I have shouldered everyone else's problems there is no room left to deal with my own and who is there to help me!? I knwo how incredibly selfish that sounds at a time like this but I could just do with the help. The emotional turmoil I am in at the minute can't be good. I keep pushing it down and ignoring at but at some point I will run out of hiding places for all the sh%t that's in there. Every now and then I can feel it push to the surface and I will cry and be useless and I can't let that happen because I have to look after Austin but how can I deal with how I am feeling if I don't have the time to work out what I am feeling. Honestly, I ignore the cancer part and for me to just make it through the day he just has to be in hospital, thats just how it is. My brain is such a mess I can't even work out all the emotion I should connect to such things. Sometimes I feel I can't be bothered to work it out and other times I start trying to figure it out and loose the will halfway through, its just too much.
I don't know how thins will all work out but I'm starting to think it won't end well.

 

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Re: Not in a good place

Permanent Linkby g murphy on Mon Jun 28, 2010 11:54 am

hugs hunnie. can you not have a chat with your local home start they can come and give a you a few hours off every week. xxx

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Re: Not in a good place

Permanent Linkby clothpixie on Mon Jun 28, 2010 1:19 pm

Could you maybe talk to a counsellor for you Lisa? I know when FIL had cancer that MIL went to talk to a counsellor at the hospital that was solely for her emotional well being.
hugs hun x

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Re: Not in a good place

Permanent Linkby 0_Lisa_0 on Mon Jun 28, 2010 1:29 pm

clothpixie wrote:Could you maybe talk to a counsellor for you Lisa? I know when FIL had cancer that MIL went to talk to a counsellor at the hospital that was solely for her emotional well being.
hugs hun x

I don't think I could, just because I wouldn't be able to open up and tell them anything. I just don't enjoy talking to people about stuff like this. Especially people I don't know (she says after announcing it on the internet :lookround: )

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Re: Not in a good place

Permanent Linkby emmajayne33 on Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:41 pm

Counsellors are trained to work with people who feel they can't open up, maybe it'll help. If you find someone you're comfortable with you may find it so much easier. They wouldn't expect you to talk about the really difficult stuff at first. :hug:

Sometimes it just takes someone to sit and listen whilst you let it all out and then somehow it's easier for your brain to digest and put all the thoughts, emotions and 'stuff' into some sort of order.

I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you all :( Massive hugs hun x

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Re: Not in a good place

Permanent Linkby megansmummy on Mon Jun 28, 2010 8:26 pm

Lisa, what your both feeling is totaly normal, this is a really huge thing hun and your both worried, scared, frightened, angry etc etc et there is just a huge mass of emotions that all come to a head. Your OH loves you and he probably doesnt mean all the things he is saying...he will be seriously struggling to get his head around the fact that he has cancer...this may be of no help what so ever but i will share anyway...
When dad was sick, we had some awful rows, him and mum had awful rows and mum and I had awful rows...infact at times i had arguments with people at work becuase i just couldnt cope with what was going on...no one teaches you how to cope in these situations...there is no right or wrong way...
You will look back on these times and it will feel like it hasnt happened to you, like your reading a book...i promise you it will pass, it wont be easy but it will pass (((huge big hugs))) you know where I am if you want to chat hun xxxx

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Re: Not in a good place

Permanent Linkby 0_Lisa_0 on Tue Jun 29, 2010 11:22 am

Thank you Tory :hug:

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Re: Not in a good place

Permanent Linkby jasmine b on Tue Jun 29, 2010 9:46 pm

the same happened for us , when my dad was ill with cancer, my mum, brother and i were fighting horribly and none of us would cry in front of each other or speak about how sad we all were , we just bit each others heads off. Keeping it all in is soul destroying and ive recently started seeing a therapist and for the first time in over 2 years am speaking about how i feel and its really liberating - honestly - give it a try - it might help keep you strong when you most need it. lots and lots of hugs. you and your family are in my prayers x
Last edited by jasmine b on Tue Jun 29, 2010 9:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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