I am really struggling

I am really, really struggling at the moment. I knew going from from 1 to 2 children would be a bit of a shock but my GOD it is really getting me down. The funny thing is, Jake is great and is such a good baby (well at the moment anyway, I've probably tempted fate now ), it's Lilly I am really finding hard. Her behaviour at the moment is just beyond awful and I don't know what to do!

Neil doesn't realise how hard I find it and he comes home from work sees me shouting 'No' constantly and then has a go at me saying 'stop shouting at her all the time' which in turn makes me because I feel like a rubbish mother. I can't cope with my own child, how bad is that? She has reduced me to tears at times recently.

She just won't do anything she is told, if I tell her to stop doing something she completely ignores me and/or shouts at me, she comes up and hits me in the face, I have caught her hitting Jake. This week alone she has tipped wahing powder all over the kitchen floor, emptied the pet bedding all over the carpet upstairs, and scribbled in Jake's moses basket with chalk.

Mealtimes are also a battle - she never eats her dinners, we usually sit for an hour with me trying to persuade her to eat it and then I usually give up. It doesn't help that whenever we go round to see my family they feed her loads of sweets even if I tell them she's not allowed any because she's not eaten her breakfast/lunch etc.

Bedtimes are also a nightmare, it takes ages to get her to stay in her bed, when she does fall asleep she then wakes at least 2-3 times in the night (and Neil never wakes up so I have to get up, as well as being up with Jake 2-3 times), and then comes in our room usually around 5am and refuses to go back to bed. I am exhausted.

I just don't know what to do - I hate having to tell her off all the time and feel like she's going to hate me, but I can't just let it go can I? It's like she is constantly on the naughty step because as soon as she comes off it, she comes back in and is naughty again. If I tell her no, or to stop doing something, she just laughs at me. It's getting to the stage where I am dreading a day at home with both of them and it's a relief if someone wants to take her out. That's not right, I should want to spend time with my child! I feel absolutely terrible

I know that the main root of this is probably Jake's arrival! And I do try to give Lilly attention as much as I can but obviously I just CAN'T give her as much attention as she used to get, as much as I want to.

Sorry for the moan, I am at my wits end

No magic advice hun, as I've not been in that situation, but didnt want to read and run.
You are NOT a rubbish mother though.

Sorry I cant write much as feeding so typing one handed - just wanted to say its completely normal and will take time for Lilly to adjust. Her behaviour is her way of grabbibg attention - Evie is doing the same sice Squish arrived and I have had days of constantly saying no and being ignored or defied. Trying to involve Evie with 'helping' look after Squish, making games out of things like eating dinner and praising her loads is definately helping, as is DH doing more with her when he gets home.

Going from 1 to 2 children was much harder than from 2-3 and even 3-4 - you are definately not a rubbish mum, you are doing great

i have similar issues and I only have the one so you are doing amazingly well with two to look after xx

So normal hun, 1-2 was the hardest for us without a doubt! Lily will settle

I don't have a 2nd yet but I'd say to choose your battles, as said above it's attention grabbing so try ignoring the smaller things but obviously still punish/tell off for things like hitting. With food I'd just leave her to it, there's a chance if you ignore her then she'll realise she isn't getting any attention for refusing to eat so will just eat a bit because she's hungry. I would have a serious word with your family about not giving her sweets/chocolate all the time or if they ignore this just stop going to a few days to try and sort her eating.

Also could you hand Jake to hubby when he gets home and go into another room with Lily and have some Mummy-Daughter time do some crafts or even girly things like letting her brush your hair, maybe paint her nails something like that. I gather a bit of dedicated time can make the world of difference.

Molly was the same when Daragh arrived, for a fair few months she was just really difficult and attention seeking and sleeping was a nightmare (and my DH was excellent at sleeping through a crying child ). Its all so much harder when you've got a new baby to look after at the same time, but honestly it will settle down eventually. You could try putting a readybed or a mattress in your room, and tell her if she needs to sleep in your room she can do so there if she comes in quietly and goes to sleep in it herself, otherwise she must stay in her bed. I've no idea if that would work for you long term, but you might get some sleep for a while!

Maybe try not saying anything at mealtimes? If her refusal is a plea for attention then just fussing over it is just granting attention and she'll keep doing it. Just get on with enjoying yours and at the end just take her plate away if she doesn't want it, and don't offer anything else. (I put the plate in the fridge so if she changes her mind later then she can have it, but you could just offer nothing else until the next meal and watch how fast she eats that one!) She might be hungry for a bit, but she won't starve herself for too long and hopefully will go back to eating normally soon.

If she makes any mess show her how to help you clean it up, and thank her when she does, it might amuse her enough to stop the tantrum (but hopefully not so much that she'll keep doing it!) I tried to squeeze one activity with Molly into each day - a surprising challenge even now get out the paints or crayons or some playdough, or a sticker book? I got a cardboard box, cut out a door and some windows and we had a great (early ) morning decorating a "house" with crayons and stickers for her teddy. Add a flap of cardboard from the top as a "slide" and you've got bonus fun Or a big walk somewhere helps. Even if these things don't make much of a difference to her behaviour right away it should hopefully be an opportunity to enjoy some time with her, I understand the feeling of not wanting to be with a child somedays!

You may or may not approve, but CBeebies rock!!

It will get better

If you're a rubbish mother, then I am too - I had exactly the same feelings, and I know this won't be any consolation at the moment, but it does get easier - honestly!
One of the best bits of advice a friend gave me was to choose the battles I want to win - so I've tried to learn not to stress over some things, but to make sure I stick to my guns about the stuff I think is really important.....so I've never tolerated Sophie hitting Millie, but I've tried to ignore it when she plays with her food etc
The other thing that seems to really work is getting Sophie to help with stuff, and giving her loads of praise for doing it - so whenever I changed Millie's nappy Sophie would be in charge of picking the nappy, passing me the wipes etc.
Hang on in there - it will get better

I could have written that myself! I have the same problems but spread through my three eldest Ds2 has moved into a big bed and has been waking three times a night, plus I'm up with ds3 twice too, dd and ds2 are up at 5-6am every morning and ds1 is hitting, kicking and screeching

Will answer more later but just to let you know you're not on your own hun