Endless battles.

Re clothes, I let her choose what she wants to wear, and I only veto if it's not weather appropriate. I would have let Martha wear her knee socks, if she was hot she could fold/roll them down, or alternatively realise that Mummy was right!. Re suncream, I would probably have just given her a small one to take, but explain why it wasn't necessary. There are things I will never compromise on (esp regards safety etc) but I do think it's a case of picking your battles.
Maybe ask Martha to pick out an outfit for Friday, explaining the red/white/blue rules, but letting her choose as long as it meets those criteria?

I think it's important to teach children from an early age that their opinon does matter and they do have some control over their world.

Definitely this ^^

I know Erin is a good few years younger than Martha, so there's only a certain amount of reasoning that you can do with her (E, that is).
However, I do realise that she's coming to an age where she's starting to recognise her own little independence and so am starting to let her choose her own clothes. There's still so much of the day that I control (for want of a better word) for her - with the ensuing battles at times - that letting her choose her own clothes, or the colour of her nappy, is really quite an insignificant detail in the grand scheme of things.
Sure, there are some odd combinations and colour schemes at times and am sure that sometimes people must think, "God, did her mum really choose that outfit for her?!" but for the sake of getting the day off to a good start (which ususally means less battles throughout the day) and a happy & proud Erin at having made her own choice, who cares?!

I guess you're right about the socks. Re the cardi, the point was that there was only a jumper clean and ironed - this morning I had to iron something for her and she asked for a cardi so that was fine. She does get a lot of choice and control over certain things in her life and I often let her choose between two outfits but it's galling to have spent money on trousers that she then never wears for example

She's late to the party in terms of having an opinion about what she wears so I suppose I've had it easy!

This morning we had upset because she was talking about when we lost our cases on the way back from Florida last year, she was saying that Bumble was in my bag which of course he wasn't cos she always has him with her (altho he is needed less and less, which is good, but for some reason makes me feel a little bit sad too), I said oh I think it was Kitty that was in my bag, turned around with her toast and she was in floods of tears!!!!!

Other thing I'd think about is the end of the school year is nearing..find my boys are so much worse with the tears on the run up.

India has always been a bit like this on and off and I have always attributed it to developmental stages. We had a stage recently were the world would end because the right knickers weren't in the drawer that day. I normally start limiting choices tbh as I just can't stand the constant battles. India seems better if I say it's cornflakes for breakfast rather than asking her what she would like, for example.

Just picking up on what you said about part of it being Martha thinking she's in charge and the example you gave of the sunscreen ...

Iris is in the really, really effin awful fours at the moment - the horror! It's like living with the mini-Gestapo. She's got such an iron grasp on the rules - and she is ruthless in enforcing them. Trouble is, she's not learnt about the appropriateness in applying rules. I figure it's a developmental thing and we'll get there. But, in the meantime, I'm dealing with at least two full-on meltdown tantrums every day. (Screeching, wailing, crying ... oh, the noise!)

So if it's partly that, I'm not sure that there's a lot you can do to get through the stage? I think it's just a case of helping her to understand how to apply the rules, the best you can. When it's more a case of clashing ideas, I pick my battles. Against my better judgement today, Iris played outside in just her socks - she insisted on no shoes. Yep, it might only be 15c out there and I'd prefer her in shoes and a coat, but it's probably not going to kill her. She got her own way and we avoided (delayed!) one tantrum. We do a fair amount of negotiating here and have endless discussions about consequences. (I get sick of the sound of my own voice, TBH.) I also let her have ideas I've thought of. Just lead conversations a certain way, so she comes up with the outcomes I want.

Oh, and if it's any consolation, Iris isn't given a choice of what to wear. I put her clothes out for her and she puts them on. She does have plenty of other choices throughout the day, so I opt to start the day with one less potential tantrum. Horses for courses.

I was about to post along the same lines as I'm having a nightmare with Ethan at the moment. I think the weather is making them more tired and, therefore, worse to deal with. It feels like the more I do with them, the more they want - they're never happy! This week we've been to the theatre (Saturday), beach (Tuesday) and soft play (today), and all I had at soft play was tears about why he couldn't go into an area they have off to the side with a pool in. I was like, "Come on, there's all this stuff you can enjoy!", but it's as if that's not good enough. I compromised by saying that maybe we could go swimming when Daddy got home, to his favourite pool that has a slide, but no. He was crying and performing when leaving the soft play area. He climbed into the car and called me a name (a 'big, smelly' something-or-other) so I just lost it, shouted at him and smacked his leg.

There's definitely no swimming tonight now, which he was still crying about when we got home where he called me another name and got sent to bed. I am sat here feeling like absolute cack, as I feel like I just lost it, but there's only so much I can take! I just don't know how I can stay calm and deal with him.