Vanity

Gah, just typed a whole topic and lost it cos the forum had booted me out

Anyway I am worried Martha is getting obsessed with how she looks, she gets comments from strangers wherever we go about how pretty she is and of course I am usually pleased about this. On holiday tho a lady sad how well behaved she had been at dinner out in a pub, when I told Martha that lady thought you were really good she said But did she think I was pretty

I had a lot of negativity about looks growing up and I always thought I was unattractive, and I don't think my paretns did anything to contradict this. But I don't want her to grow up thinking that looks are the be all and end all, and I have been reading that girls who grow up fixated on their looks end up with lower self esteem etc.

So what to do? Should I be worried? I do praise her for other qualities too, honest

[clothmama]

Give her a really bad haircut and put her in well dodgy clothes??????

I dont' know tbh (living in a house full of boys) Ruth, it could just be a stage but when she is such a stunning child it is inevitable that she gets comments. Perhaps you need to try not to mention her looks for a while and only talk about all the other wonderful things that she does?

If you can do it in a way she can understand I would keep reinforcing that yes she is pretty, but that is a happy accident and not something she has done and in order to get rewards/have people like her there are lots of things she can do to make herself beautiful inside too .. nice manners, behaviour etc, being kind, caring, sharing etc all those qualities that 'she' can do something about herself and be praised for.

Give her a really bad haircut and put her in well dodgy clothes??????

My Mum tried this and it did not work

I thnk you are doing right as you are and its probably a phase, but these are the sort of parenting issues I dread.

If you can do it in a way she can understand I would keep reinforcing that yes she is pretty, but that is a happy accident and not something she has done and in order to get rewards/have people like her there are lots of things she can do to make herself beautiful inside too .. nice manners, behaviour etc, being kind, caring, sharing etc all those qualities that 'she' can do something about herself and be praised for.

Actually this is a really good point because she is not always great a playing with other children, and doesn't understand that they will get upset when she tells them to leave her alone

If you can do it in a way she can understand I would keep reinforcing that yes she is pretty, but that is a happy accident and not something she has done and in order to get rewards/have people like her there are lots of things she can do to make herself beautiful inside too .. nice manners, behaviour etc, being kind, caring, sharing etc all those qualities that 'she' can do something about herself and be praised for.

WSS, its hard when they are so little to try and get them to understand so many aspects of something but its probbaly just a phase...Megan is terrible for gazing at herself in the mirror/shop windows etc

I have been reading that girls who grow up fixated on their looks end up with lower self esteem etc.

So what to do? Should I be worried? I do praise her for other qualities too, honest

I dont think this alone would lower her self esteem at all, i think she is secure and well loved and thats is much much more important. Ruth she is a lovely girl I personally wouldn't worry at all. (yeh right says me, worry wort!)

Ha Sarah I will remind you of that if Isobella ever gets a vain head on!

I'm reading a really interesting book called The Equality Illusion at the moment, will have to look up the bit about girls being interested in their appearance. I think it's because their self esteem becomes bound up in something that's external, and they then need external reassurance IYKWIM, rather than valuing themselves for qualities which are less subjective, like kindness or intelligence or hard work.

That's the point though isn't it. It doesn't really matter how pretty you are on the outside if with it you're ugly on the inside. If you're attractive on the outside and the inside, well then that's real beauty I would have thought. There's nothing wrong with appreciating or valuing physical aesthetics, unless it's at the cost of other values like compassion, kindness, intelligence, even creativity - also understanding why those things are of more value than something that's skin deep or how it's all about perception where different societies have had very different perceptions of beauty and self worth.

If it was me I'd probably treat it as matter of fact, because she is an attractive girl, but I wouldn't emphasise the value in that particularly. It's an asset the same as anything else really. I really don't think you've got anything to worry about though as I can't imagine your child would ever fail to value herself from the inside out.